Kathryn: I am a 38 year old white middle class mother of 3 young children, Brooke age 4, Brodie age 6, and Oscar age 9. I have been an at-home mother with them, and am currently looking for part-time work and to start my own pottery business. My husband has worked full time on developing our online business which allowed me to stay home until now.
Nechama: Wow! You have your hands full for sure! What are the most rewarding
and most challenging aspects of being a full-time mom to 3 young
children?
Kathryn:
The warm cozy snuggles any time of day and being there for those gems
of moments that make your heart sing. The hardest part has been feeling
isolated and desperate for help and relief when you kids are driving
you crazy!
Nechama: So how do you manage those tough spots?
Kathryn:
My family support system is all out of town, so I had to reach out to
other mothers. I had to be honest with my trials and tribulations at
home. My first son was colicky, had 5 ear infections by age 2, nursed
until 2.5 and was very attached to me, and we know now has sensory
processing disorder, ADD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I was a
new mom, living away from my family, husband at work all day, and home
alone with a non-stop crying baby and screaming toddler. I would crave
for bonding with other adults during the day so I wouldn't just count
down the minutes until my husband came home. But you get out in the
world and it is so easy to assume that everyone has this amazing life at
home. Even when you would open up about day to day troubles, very few
would really open up like I wanted to. After a few years, I began to
get a sense of which mothers actually knew and experienced what I was
going through with having a high need child. Once I found those other
mothers, I began to realize and understand my unique situation. We
started seeking family therapy to support our parenting, therapy for our
son's sensory issues, and just started learning more about our sons
special needs in order to go to bed at night without feeling like a
failure of a mother. After 9 years and new challenges and frustrations
that arise daily, I realize how much I still need to connect on a
regular basis with other mothers who are willing to be open and honest
about how hard it is to raise a child with high needs. And
this is not to say that if your kid's challenges are in the "normal"
range you don't need the same support. We all need support, because
everyone's situation is relative. I often will be hard on myself for
feeling so downtrodden about my situation when I think about other
mothers living through war and violence. But I have to ground myself in
my own reality and honor that it is hard. And we all need support even
more than ever because families are more and more isolated from one
another. Our mobile society has split up extended families, leaving each
nuclear family doing all the work, cleaning, child rearing, etc. alone.
We have lost our "village." So then we feel isolated and go to social
media like Facebook and feel even more isolated because so much of the truth is being left out behind all those glowing pictures of everyone's kids.
Nechama:
Thank you so much for that powerfully candid perspective! I
particularly appreciate it because my purpose here is to offer the kind
of community that, although is 'virtual' in some ways, is actually very
real in its support. What you just shared will, no doubt, help most
anyone reading this blog. Would you like to share any of the magical moments you've had with your kids? Kathryn: My
first son who is now 9 who has the high needs is always yelling at me,
saying that I am the worst mother in the world and how he hates me. I
don't believe him, even though it does wear me down... But there are
moments when his love comes pouring out, and they often catch me by
surprise... a sweet unexpected hug while I am busying about the house... a
sweet snuggle on the couch when I finally allow myself to relax... and
when he is sick still wanting and desperately needing his mommy. Last
night I was away from home and he was sick, and when I talked to him on
the phone my heart swelled as he said how much he wanted me. Just a
few... but I cherish them. As even though I don't believe all the hating, angry
words, I still need to have signs of his love and affection. Nechama:
Yes! Many of us would agree that it's those moments when defenses are down and the truth
of the family love can come out that make all the difference... Is there a particular topic that you have more thoughts
on for another interview? Maybe we can open up the discussion here and
then go into more detail next time? Kathryn: Absolutely,
the best is if my discussion today opens up others to share or seek
advice and connection... What it takes to keep a marriage together during the hard child raising
years, and often family-building-while-career-building years. Nechama:
YES! That is such an important topic that doesn't typically make it to
the neighborhood picnic. I look forward to picking that up with you
soon...
Kathryn: I look forward to sharing more with you and everyone who reads! As I
said, it is how I survive, by sharing and connecting. So thank you
Nechama for sharing this forum with me!
Nechama: I so appreciate that you took the
time to join me today!
Thank you all for joining our community! Have a joyful and connected day...
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