INTERVIEW WITH STEPHANIE, PRESCHOOL MOM

Stephanie, mom to an adorable, soon-to-be 4yo boy shares some of what she experienced entering parenthood, highlighting the unexpected challenges many new parents face.

Nechama:  I really appreciate you being here for this interview.  Each parent I interview has different circumstances, but we all have so much in common as well.  Is that consistent with your experience as a mom interacting with other parents?

Stephanie:  I think so. It's hard to get a real beat on everyone's challenges, though. Often times, it's hard to get a good picture of the challenges my friends face as parents, relative to mine.  I think people sometimes do not want to share those challenges because they think it may make them seem less capable, or I also get the impression that other parents may not know they can or should share the day to day challenges.

For example, it's easy to see a friend and their child and conclude 'They seem like they're doing great'... Only later, they happen to mention they're having a terrible time with their child hitting, or not going to bed or, whatever it might be.  It's hard to know if as a society we gloss over these daily challenges, and whether that's ok or not.  I mean, there's a balance...  I sometimes wonder if maybe the small things just pass in time, and it's just understood that they should not be taken so seriously...

Nechama:  Yes! I think so many of us experience that tentativeness in showing the parts of our parenting lives that could use support, especially when we get the impression other parents are glossing over similar issues.  

If you could change anything about our the social milieu our culture creates for parents, what would it be?

Stephanie:  I think our culture would be well served by showing the honesty of parenting in a more mainstream way. In the culture of families with children, there are varying degrees of openness. However, the bridge to becoming a parent is like entering a totally different world.  I expected to be tired. I expected it to be hard. But, I had never experienced anything that undermined my self confidence and it took me a while to recognize that because it was a surprise. 

Now, three and a half years into it, I realize I'm not the only one who felt uniquely unqualified to do this for a time. I'm wondering what ways we could make a better societal connection for future parents

Nechama:  So well said- thank you!  It's on that bridge to parenting that the openness would serve us all.  I wonder how that could be done...  Do you have specific recollections of moments on that bridge where the messages you got were misleading?

Stephanie:  Hmm...yes many. I think I may have blocked many of them out already though. Mostly I felt very alone. If I was frustrated that my son wasn't falling asleep at naptime, there wasn't anyone really there to confide in or help. I had a great support system, actually, between my husband and my parents. But at some point they can't do the daily job and even they sometimes ran out of ideas. It's taken me a while to be more accepting of the process of parenting (If he's not tired, he won't sleep) but things like this were challenges I didn't anticipate. 

Also, I can remember comments from other parents or feelings they gave off, that made me feel like my son wasn't interacting properly (not making eye contact or not being friendly to them)....but he was only 2 or 3 at the time. Social situations have been a huge challenge for us, since I think society, and even other parents, have extremely high expectations for other people's kids sometimes. And when your child doesn't behave in a particular way, it can make you feel terrible as a parent. Or, you can choose to have the confidence to be strong about those comments, knowing that maybe they are off base.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  Any parent I know has had the experience of feeling that they or their child was being judged somehow.  It seems so ironic that even parents who are likely feeling the downside of that judgment still perpetuate it by judging others or themselves. I think it goes back to what you said about not being offered the kinds of support that acknowledges the need for another option.  It sounds like you have begun to find your own way out of that - does it feel that way to you?

Stephanie:  Yes, definitely! It's a lot of fun to be a parent now, for the most part.  And, maybe it's made all the sweeter by the fact that it wasn't the easiest transition for me. I've learned so much about personality and temperament, and in my case the extra effort reading, getting support, and making connections has made a huge difference.

I think one part of the 'bridge support' that parents need is getting acknowledgment of the fact that parenting is so full of unknowns. It seems to me that parents who are more easygoing and comfortable encountering the unexpected, manage better.

  

Nechama:  Yes - I would definitely agree with that!  I have learned so much about flexibility from being a parent.  Is there a specific tool you use to help your practice of 'easy-going-ness'?  Also, what would you say to parents who may be feeling stuck as they cross that bridge into parenthood right now?

Stephanie:  What helped the most for me was getting eight hours of sleep a night, and having some down time to myself to read or relax. This is the single most helpful tool set for me. When I'm rested and balanced, then I have the energy to employ other tools and strategies. I may sing to my son if we're having a challenging time, make a fun suggestion, talk him through a rough patch, etc. I found that when I started sleeping normal hours (this took several years) and went back to working part time and going to an exercise class, things very much improved. I had 're-found' my old self and balanced that with being a mom.

Recently, I had the opportunity to help another mom, which was really terrific. A friend of mine has a 3-month old baby, and we went over to see her. She managed to convey a small hint about how hard it was, and I agreed right away. Luckily, she opened up to me and said sometimes she needs to put him in his crib and walk away when she gets overwhelmed, and I was able to tell her that what she is experiencing is totally normal. We talked about how everyone always says 'Oh, you must be so happy to be a parent' but doesn't acknowledge that sometimes you just need to cry because it is hard. She was SO relieved to hear that her experience wasn't because she was uniquely a 'bad mom', but she was a normal person who was sleep deprived.

Nechama:  I agree that every new parent needs to hear that!  When we find a way to take care of ourselves, it is so powerful and revitalizing.  Each parent has different circumstances.  And for some, taking care of ourselves just feels so unattainable for all kinds of practical reasons.  And in those situations, when everything just feels so limiting, that supportive connection with another parent who knows what we're going through, is huge.  I can only imagine what a difference it made to your friend that you 'got it,' and that she could believe you when you said she was not failing as a parent when she needed to take care of herself.

Stephanie:  Yes, it's what I most would have wished for - that reassurance that I was normal and could do it. So I was so, so happy to be able to give that to someone else. It made it all worthwhile.

Nechama:  Thank you so much for offering such insight and wisdom, Stephanie.  I've really enjoyed all that you shared.  Have a wonderful day!

  

Stephanie:  Thanks, I enjoyed it too, and would love to continue this and talk more about other aspects of parenting.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  I look forward to talking again soon.  Have a wonderful, connected day!