INTERVIEW WITH KAT, MOM OF TWO YOUNG BOYS

I am here with Kat, mom to two boys under the age of 4.  I asked Kat to elaborate on some of the logistics she manages every day...

Kat:  For now, I can thankfully still outrun them.  I will physically take a hold of both of them - no mean feat as Lukas is almost 45 pounds and Alex is about 31 pounds! If I can get both of them to stay in a shopping cart (even if it's not from the store I'm shopping in), I feel pretty good.  I also am prepared with snacks, timing errands before nap time, and also explaining to Lukas what we are planning to do, and how I expect him to act.

Nechama:  You are incredible!  That's an amazing visual I have in my head right now - no wonder you're in such good shape!  And definitely letting them know what's next is a tool I pull out many times a day! 
So in the bigger picture, what's it like being a mom of two, active, young boys?

Kat:  I don't have a lot of patience to begin with.  I am an only-child, and the youngest of the cousins so I have no experience with little kids.  It's like herding cats . . . very small beings with minds of their own.  They push buttons in me that i never knew I had.

Nechama:  What is it that helps you through that moment?  I know that it amazes me how I can feel totally conflicting feelings at the same time.  Like when my child does something that catches me off guard and sets me back, I can feel such fury at that moment while also feeling like that fury is not me.  It's like I am in a situation that is separating me from myself.  It's like the principle of divide and conquer - the feelings divide me and conquer me.  And, that has taken me time to figure out how to navigate within myself.

Kat:  I think that fury IS part of you.  However, society, our upbringing, the fact that we are women and we should act with a certain decorum, all suppress that fury within us.  When we are angry at a co-worker, a parent at the playground, the postal worker, we bite our tongue, not saying what we really want to.  When we go home, we take it out on defenseless people who love us.  Totally messed up, but often we have no other outlet. They are the only ones we can dump on because they have no power. The can't fire us, call the police on us, or yell back at us.  It saddens  me.

Nechama:  So the fury is real even though it's being misdirected?

Kat:  Yeah, I think so.  If you are well-rested and happy, something trivial is not going to ruffle your feathers.  If you're depressed about where you are in your life - dashed dreams and hopes - that trivial matter is a huge, monumental offense.  At the same time, it is important to be able to let your kids know why you are upset. 
Culturally, I grew up in a Japanese household where there was no yelling. If I did something that my parents didn't approve of, I was shunned. They acted as if I didn't exist.  So part of me feels liberated that my kids are growing up in a household where there can be yelling sometimes because at least they know what I'm mad about.

Nechama:  I so get that!  I hear a few different layers as you're talking.  There's the literal layer that's about putting things where everyone can see them.  Then there's the stress of daily life layer.  Then there's the deeper, joy of life layer.  So it complicates things because we really do want to give our kids the advantage of having things on the table; while we may also be pushing a little extra hard because of stuff that doesn't directly relate.  So how do we separate those things in ourselves to make sure that all we're putting on a child's table is really what he or she needs to see?

Kat:  I constantly struggle with that, so I'm currently taking the Positive Discipline class. We just went over something called The Three R's of Recovery from Mistakes.  This is a way we can model the courage to be imperfect.  The example in class that was given was the husband comes home from work.  Before he can even take a breath, the wife blindsides him with complaints about him and his character. She does this because she's had an awful day with the kids.  The Three R's of Recovery to reel yourself in are:  1) Recognize - "Wow!  I made a mistake." 2) Reconcile - "I apologize." 3)  Resolve, "Let's work on a solution together."  The other big element about Positive Discipline is "Be kind AND firm".  You don't need to humiliate your child in order to get the behavior you want.

Nechama:  Yes! it's so important to remember that!

Kat:  One of our assignments was to see how many times a day we flip our lid. Quite a few, I found.  It was a struggle, and I still act poorly, but at least now I have some skills on how to deal with it.

Nechama:  That makes such a difference - just paying attention is so powerful.

Kat:  Another good hint I am working on is to walk away and deal with the situation when I've collected myself.  How can you expect your child to behave properly if you can't either?

Nechama:  Absolutely - the logical mind would never argue with that.  At the same time, our emotional triggers don't always care.  How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?

Kat:  "How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?"  Practice, practice, practice.  In martial arts, you learn something called muscle memory.  You keep practicing the form and steps to the point where if a certain action is taken against you, your body deals to counteract the attack without needing to consult the brain to think about it before acting.

Nechama:  Are you trained in martial arts?

Kat:  No.  I've taken various forms of martial arts - judo, kyudo, kendo, kempo and muay thai.  However, I have ADD and haven't stuck with any one form in particular.  I see myself as a jack of all trades, master of none -type of person.

Nechama:  How does that influence your experience as a parent?

Kat:  It feels terrible!  It would be nice to feel good at something.  Really good. Something I can be proud of.  I sometimes envision the day when Lukas or Alex has a classroom assignment where one parent needs to share what they do at work, or a hobby that he/she is really into.  I'd be stressing out because I can't think of anything.

Nechama:  Are there times when your default reaction feels like a strength?

Kat:  In emergency situations, I can hyper-focus on what needs to be done without emotions clouding the situation.  

Nechama:  This interview is giving me so much food for thought.  It's highlighted for me how all the different pieces of who we are play such important roles in how we connect with our kids. Tuning in to all the cues and clues that fill our minds can be overwhelming by any standards.  And, you seem like someone who finds a way to give each piece some place to land - not everyone can do that...

Kat:  Maybe.  But sometimes I see flickers of ADD in Lukas, and I pray that it's just because he's 3-1/2 and not because he actually has it.  And instead of being patient and understanding about it, I find myself intolerant of that behavior.  The psychology behind it is weird to me.  Often, you are most judgmental of the behavior you hate most in yourself.

Nechama:  Absolutely, I think we all feel particularly bothered by others who have the traits that we don't like in ourselves.  For me, that relates to the mind-heart connection. That third layer you mentioned at the beginning about dreams and hopes in life - when we're feeling 'on' with that, our judgment of our kids goes way down (at least that's my experience).  So could it be that when we feel that we have failed ourselves in life, we desperately want to keep our kids from experiencing that painful failure.  I know that played a role in my experience growing up...  

Kat:  Absolutely.  But to shield them from failures is also a disservice to them, I think. We just have to model that, "Yes, I failed, but I'm not giving up!"

Nechama:  I completely agree!!  For me, that highlights the importance of finding our own deeper fulfillment in life, especially when we are parents.  And that is its own epic challenge...

Kat:  Yup. You got that right.  "With power, comes greater responsibility" -Spiderman.

Nechama:  Ahh, the wisdom of superheroes...
How is your relationship with your parents now?  Have you had the chance to let them know how painful their treatment of you was?

Kat:  Unfortunately, my mom passed away before I could talk to her about it.  We were reconnecting, and talking as adults, not as parent and child.  She had shielded me from what was really going on between my parents.  I wish she hadn't.  I would've been more empathetic to her plight.  I did communicate how I felt to my dad.  He apologized for his mistakes, but it was too little, too late.  I did make him pay for therapy, though. I was born a happy child, and made into a miserable one because he projected his own insecurities onto me.

Nechama:  I so appreciate all you said about your family.  And am very touched by your story about your mom because I never really had a chance to talk with my mom the way I wanted to before she passed away.  We are mothers and we are daughters, and those two are so connected.

Kat:  Yes. 

Nechama:  Thank you so much for sharing your rich perspective!  I hope we can do this again some time.  Have an empowered, connected day...

Kat:  Thank You - You too...