INTERVIEW WITH DENISE, CAREER-MINDED MOM OF 3YO BOY

After we got settled, I opened the interview by asking Denise to tell me something about herself.

Denise:  My name is Denise and I am currently job hunting for a public health research position.  I have my Masters in International Health from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health and graduated from Amherst College with a BA in Biology and Women's Studies.  I love to bake, knit (I actually have a part-time knitting business - www.niseyknits.com <http://www.niseyknits.com>), sing, dance

and I just picked up running.

So I have an almost 3 year old son.  He'll be 3 next week and he's pretty fun.  I'm a pretty laidback kind of person, taking things as they come.  So when it came to parenting, I sort of took the same approach.  I don't think I could have ever been prepared for it.  So when we found out that we were expecting, I bought the books and read as much as I could, did a lot of research, and then just played it all by ear.

Nechama:  Wow - I think that all parents, whatever the particulars of their lives can identify with that whirlwind feeling.  Does your approach always work for you?  Or are there times when it feels a bit overwhelming?

Denise:  I think it gets particularly overwhelming when the child is going through a growth spurt/developmental change because you've gotten used to them doing things one particular way and all of a sudden they start to change.  For instance, when my son started throwing tantrums, saying no, and just being unreasonable about everything (or so it seemed to me).  He is very easygoing, super friendly, very kind, and just easy to deal with.  So when he would cry at the slightest thing, start throwing a tantrum, refuse to eat and all that, I was at my wits' end as to how to deal with him. 

But then I realized that what had worked 6 months ago would probably not work now because he's changing and developing emotionally.  Of course I have NO prior experience with children, so all this is new to me.  We had to read a little, hear from some other parents whose children are a few months ahead, and also get some feedback from his teachers at daycare who are trained in early childhood development.

Nechama:  I completely get that.  Again, every parent I know can identify with that experience.  So do you feel better equipped now whenever a growth spurt comes up?  Are there some general approaches to handling the unexpected from him that work consistently?

Denise:  My husband and I keep joking that our son is becoming a "real human being now" because we still remember when we had to do everything for him.  I think constantly remembering that it is normal and natural for him to change because that's just how nature goes makes it easier for me. 

And I also have to remember that now that he can talk and sort of voice his wants and needs, I need to try and talk things out with him, while still making it clear to him that I'm the parent and in all instances I'm doing my best for him.  Sometimes it would require a firm no, and I should be prepared to deal with the tears and feet-stomping that comes with it. 

But sometimes, talking things out with him and making deals actually work.  He loves to read, so usually we can get him to listen to something we suggest if we tell him that we'll read a book or two for him.  Other times it just has to be, "No, it's bedtime, and you have to sleep so you are well-rested for tomorrow." 

Yesterday, we watched a cartoon with him, and he wanted to watch more after it was over.  But it was way past his bedtime, and we had to explain the concept of "there's a time for everything" to him.  Every situation has it's own intricacies.  But now that he has developed language skills, explaining things to him and making some form of trade usually helps.

Nechama:  Yes!  The good news is that as our kids' ability to challenge us develops, so does their ability to communicate on a more sophisticated level.  So the opportunity for balance is there.  Speaking of balance, how do you juggle being a parent and working away from home?

Denise:  I've worked at two different places after our son was born, and it was a little tough.  We had to work out a schedule that made sense for both of us.  My husband is a software engineer, so her has more flexibility in the mornings.  So we realized that it worked well if he took care of our son in the mornings, waking him up, feeding him, etc. and dropping him off at daycare.  And I would pick our son up after work and take care of him in the evenings.  That arrangement has worked very well for us.  So far, our son doesn't have a lot of extracurricular activities, so it makes things a little easier.  I'm sure that once he's older and into sports, clubs, etc., it would get a bit more hectic.

As for the emotional side, I love the fact that he gets to interact with kids his age, and I get the time to work on my profession and job.  I miss him a lot.  But it makes the reunion at the end of the day much sweeter.

Nechama:  I can imagine!  Do most of your friends have kids?

Denise:  Right now, quite a few of them do.  But we were the first in our circle, so our son is the oldest.  A couple of them have 15 month olds, and some have 8 month olds.

Nechama:  And do most of them work outside the home too?

Denise:  Yes, they do.  I think they also use a mix of drop-in daycare and nanny care for their kids.

Nechama:  I have found that of all the circumstantial nuances in parents' lives, whether or not all parents work outside the home is a deciding factor in parents connecting.  Do you think that's true?  The reason I ask is that it actually feels like a sensitive topic that divides parents.  There seem to be insecurities and judgments that may come up for parents in both kinds of households.  I would love to hear your perspective on that... if you agree or not.

Denise:  As for the insecurities and judgements, I can definitely see that happening.  If you are the one working outside the home a lot, you start to feel guilty that you are not spending enough time with your child.  If you are the one at home, you might start begrudging that fact because you look at all the hard work you put into your education and your career up to that point and wonder if you are just wasting it all away, especially given that this economy is not too kind to people with large gaps in their work history.

Nechama:  This is such a complex topic and, I think, so needing of attention.  I am almost 49yo and have a 23yo  and a 3yo.  It is clear to me from getting to know many parents over the past couple of decades, that all parents have much more in common than not, all moms have much more in common than not, and any two co-parents generally have more in common than not.  And yet, there is so much defensiveness within each of these...

Denise:  oh yeah, absolutely!

Nechama:  I just think it would be so helpful if we could start highlighting what we have in common in a way that could open up connection and support channels between all types of parents...  So I guess I'm starting with you.  As I listen to you, it just feels like you might have some insights on the topic.  Any thoughts you'd like to share?

Denise:  Oh I think we are all jealous of each other and we inadvertently make each other feel guilty of the choices we've made, especially SAHMs and moms who work outside the home.  I find it very glaring when I read narratives by SAHMs who say "i'm so fulfilled because this is the best thing ever," and vice-versa from moms who work outside the home. 

I think most moms in this generation grew up with the feminist movement ringing true in our heads and hearts.  So we went to college and grad school, started working and became all that we could be.  But then when we get married and have children, we have to make that choice.  Do you want to be there 24/7 to raise your child?  Or, do you want to raise your child and work part-time or full-time?

And I think that each of us has different things that motivate us.  So what's good for mom A will not necessarily feel good for mom B.  I don't think every mom wants to be a SAHM.  And I don't think every mom wants to be working full-time in the workforce either.  And truth be told, the workforce is not conducive to parenting at all, and moms end up getting the wrong end of the stick.

So some SAHMs may feel (not all the time, but on a few occasions) that they have let somebody down by making the choice they did.  And moms who work may feel (on a few occasions) that they aren't there for their child as much as they could be.  I'm not sure there is a right answer in there at all.  But I often say that if you make a decision based on the information you have, stick with it.  it's the best decision for you at that time.  If something new comes up and you want to change directions or realign a bit, also go for it.  There is no tried and true method that will fit every personality out there.

I know I cannot be a full-time SAHM.  I love being with other professionals in my field, talking through ideas, working on projects and all that fun stuff.  But I also don't relish the idea of working 8-5, driving through rush hour traffic and scrambling to get home to make dinner.  It's a drag.  In an ideal world, I would get a part-time position in my field where I worked half-days or worked just 3 days a week.

My husband and I still joke about how each time our son is napping, the house is quiet and peaceful, like we don't have any kids.  Then when he wakes up we are like, "whoa, who is this one and where did he come from?"  But it's because we had our rhythm set before our son came.  And we have to adjust that rhythm to accommodate him.  It's hard to make that adjustment though.  And it takes time.

Nechama:  Thank you so so much for that powerful analysis!  It is so important to recognize that, in general, 'all or nothing' choices are often much more complicated than we would like them to be.  And, adjusting the rhythm of our lives to include our children is no small feat.

That rhythm adjustment is the common denominator all parents have as they consider the options life offers them.  I wonder what would happen if dialogue with and about parents focused on that rhythm adjustment piece instead of the logistical differences in our lifestyles. 

Denise:  Yes, what adjustments you've made, how it's working for you, how else you think it could work better...  exchanging those ideas and trying out new ways to make the rhythm work.

Nechama:  I agree!  Do you get the opportunity to exchange those kinds of ideas with friends?

Denise:  I have no problems chatting with my friends about mothering and the things we do that have worked.  However, I have noticed that people are sensitive about sharing those ideas because sometimes it might come off as a criticism of what they are currently doing.  I felt that when our son was newly born and I thought I was doing my best.  And I'm always worried that others might also think that way.  So finding that fine balance between sharing and judging is also essential.

Nechama:  So true!  Any suggestions on how to get there?

Denise:  Hmm... That's a tough one.  Apart from your friend bringing it up i think mentioning it without sounding like a know-it-all would help.  I have a friend who always prefaces something with "in my humble opinion", "i think", "this is what works for me", and I can see that she's trying to make us aware that she isn't forcing her opinions on us.  But that often seems very me-centered and gets me a little irritated. 

I'm guessing if I were to suggest an idea to someone, I would say, "you could try this and that and see how it works for you.  We tried it and after a few go-arounds, it worked.   You might need to modify it a bit.  But it's worth a look."  It doesn't sound judgmental or critical, and it comes off as just another idea to have in your parenting toolbox.

Nechama:  Do you think that there is a mindset or particular perspective that could help all of us shift any internal guilt, judgment, etc. that get in the way of connecting naturally with others who may have a different child-rearing approach or lifestyle?

Denise:  I think realizing that we are all doing the best we can at the moment

will make us a little less sensitive to the perceived judgement of others, and might make us willing to listen to others too.  But both the giver and receiver have to have that mindset.  The giver of the advice cannot think that they know it all.  They did the best they could in light of the information and resources they had at that point. 

I think most people are doing the same, figuring out what works for their family setup and schedule, based on the info and resources they have access to.  If we are mindful of that fact, it might go a long way to easing the guilt we feel about the decisions we've made when it comes to raising our children.

Nechama:  Beautifully said!  Thank you for that!  Is there anything else you would like to offer our readers before we run out of time?

Denise:  Parenting is a new experience for everyone.  So take your time

with it.  You will make mistakes.  So don't beat yourself about it.  And have fun with it (as much as you can anyway).  it's new, it's different, and you have to adjust how you do things.  I only have a 3 yr old, so I can only speak to that.  I'll let you know how I feel when he hits his pre-teen and teen years.

Nechama:  Thank you for all that you shared!  Have a wonderful connected day!

Denise:  Same to you Nechama.

INTERVIEW WITH SHELLY, MOM OF TWO YOUNG CHILDREN

I am here with Shelly, mom of two young children, ages 5 and 2.  We talked about day to day life...

Shelly: I'm Shelly, mom of 2 very energetickids, Sarah 5 and Ben 2. I am also a wife and friend, love spending time outdoors with my family and traveling with them.


Nechama:  Energetic kids and outdoors are a great mix! What are some of your favorite outdoor activities with your kids?
Shelly: nature walks... I like taking them to open, natural spaces where they can run around, explore, and stomp in the water.  We love hiking together, exploring beach, anywhere where they can be free to experience nature, feel the sun on their face, and play in the dirt.  They have lived in urban areas, in town homes most of their lives, which has served our family well.  But I think it has made it even more important to make sure we have time to be outside.


Nechama:  What a nurturing way to spend time!  Do you find that it also supports the whole family bonding process?
Shelly: I do. My husband really enjoys being outside as well and so it is a way for the whole family to spend time together in a relaxed atmosphere without any expectations or agenda to adhere to.I think it is a particularly good way for my husband to bond with the kids and the joy and happiness we all feel is contagious. I love seeing their faces light up when they discover something.

Nechama: Sounds so joyful!  What happens on rainy days?  Does that stop you?
Shelly: Not necessarily.  We lived in London for a couple years so we had to adapt to being out in the wet weather.  My kids, of course, love to play in the rain.  When it's too uncomfortable to be outside though, we can always find something to do.

Nechama:  I think it's so powerful that you have that nature and family time so built in to your life.  So many families might wish they could, but just feel too harried to make it happen.  Do you feel like your family is special?

Shelly: i don't think that our family is special.  There are times when I do feel like I get bogged down in the day to day and let the outdoor time slip away.  But I can usually tell from my daughter's behavior that she is needing that connection to nature.   So I try to be really mindful of making sure we have outdoor time built into plans.  Both my kids seem to thrive outdoors.  My daughter, in particular, has always been like that from a young age.

 As she gets older, it is getting a bit more challenging to insure that we have downtime outside because she is also extremely social and loves being with her friends.  So I am always trying to plan playdates that involve being outdoors.
Nechama:  Yes. What is your daughter's favorite way to spend her down time?

Shelly:  She has to be connected to someone, so her idea of downtime and mine are very different. she loves to draw and do art projects as long as there is someone near by she can talk to or at least check in with.  Now that she is a bit older, she is starting to want to spend a little time on her own, writing in her journals and playing with her accessories.  She also really enjoys hanging out on our patio collecting flowers and leaves, and making special mixtures with them.
Nechama:  Sounds lovely!   What is your idea of down time, and is it the same for you now as when you were her age?

Shelly: I guess downtime for me can mean 2 every different things. I love to curl up with a good book and glass of wine or cup of tea, enjoy the quiet and escape into the story. The other way I like to unwind is spending time with friends talking and relaxing when I can truly let my guard down because the kids aren't around and I am not on mom duty.

I think to a large extent, it is how I was as a child too. I was the oldest of four children and very social myself too.  There was always a lot going on at my house, and I liked the activity of having people around. But I could definitely hit my limit and would enjoy reading by myself when i needed some time alone.



It's interesting because i can see a lot of myself in Sarah, but also a lot of my sister too.  And my sister and I are very different so it's strange to see some traits in my daughter that are so similar to me, and some that are so different from me.

Nechama: Sure.  Has it been a process for you to click in to your daughter's style, or has it just happened without much thought?

Shelly: it has been a process. she is much more sensitive than me which is challenging.   My husband is actually much more tuned into her style and needs, and often can recognize when she needs some one on one time with me or when she needs to be outdoors before i do.

Nechama: That's great that your husband has that connection with her! So are there any particular "aha" moments connected to this journey you've had with her, that you'd like to share?

Shelly: Oh my gosh, I have learned so much from her and this journey. She has challenged the way I thought about everything, right from the start. Before she was born, like many people, I had an idea in my head of what motherhood would be like and what my parenting style would be.   And then she came along and showed me that she was not here to fit into my preconceived ideas.  And, if we were going to have any hope of enjoying this journey and building a real connection that i was going to have to open up my mind.

I have always considered myself to be an open-minded person.  But never thought about how that applies to parenting. I've learned that I need to be open to anything and to never say never. I could have never dreamed that I would nurse my kids until they were 2.5 yrs, or sleep with them at night or stay home with them.

My daughter has also shown me the value in seeing her as a person in her own right, someone who should be valued and cherished for who she is right now, not who she might become.

Starting out on this journey I was concerned about whether she would become a successful, responsible adult.  And while I hope that she is someday, I am really not as concerned about that now. I am more concerned with supporting her right now, fostering her natural curiosity about the world, and offering her the tools she needs to develop those skills. and if I am successful in making her feel loved and supported that she will be able to find her own happiness.

Nechama: Thank you for that beautiful perspective.

Shelly: She has also reinforced for me that kids and people have different needs and that it's ok. She has helped me see that there are an infinite number of roads to take on the path to happiness.
Nechama: Absolutely. Thank you for sharing that wisdom.

Shelly: You're welcome.  This was fun...

Nechama:  I enjoyed it too.  Thank you again, and have a wonderful, connected day!

INTERVIEW WITH FLO, SINGLE MOM OF 15yo SON

I started my interview with Flo by asking her to share a bit about her experience as a single mom. 

Flo:  My son's father and I have been separated since my son was 2 years old, now 15.  In my son I see a growing child, and am grateful for the way he is

Nechama:  What do you most appreciate about who your son is?

Flo:  I appreciate the good of course, and also what doesn't feel good because we all have it.  What I find easy about my son is that he is responsible for a lot and does it without much supervision.  He is self directed for homework, fun time, schedule of fun down the line, finding solutions to problems, communicating where he is and what he does.  He can take care of his own meals, wash, go to bed on time get up and get ready on time.... the other side of it all is that he can be pushy and forget how other people feel, even though he is loving and caring.

Nechama:  Yes.  it sounds like you've had the opportunity to have a very real, open relationship with your son.  That is so valuable for both!  How do you respond when you see your son acting a bit insensitive?

Flo:  I straight tell him how it feels, just the way i feel it.

Nechama:  And how does he react to that?

Flo:  He tries to argue and argue and argue, which is really hard for me.  And later, in his own awakening he will apologize and life goes to the next moment.

Nechama:  Is there an example you would like to share?

Flo:  For example, I am quietly resting on my bed, eyes closed, and he wants to talk to me.   So he just goes about waking me up.  It feels forceful and inconsiderate.   So i tell him, "when you see me with eyes closed, be patient. It doesn't last long.  Just let me wake up slowly and I will be available to you."  Knowing we didn't have an appointment, that this was my free time, I tell him that even mothers have to be respected and cared for, because we work so hard.

Nechama:  I can really relate to that!  Every child I know has a difficult time understanding that mom is human with human feelings, needs, etc.  Are there times when he does relate to you as another feeling person?

Flo:  Certainly -  Like i said, his enthusiasm is coming from a well-meaning place.  It just needs to be tuned up a bit.  It's my job to make him aware of my feelings. Also, when I share my hurts, he will be so compassionate.

Nechama:  What are the elements that you feel have had the most influence on your son's personality?

Flo:  I believe he is born with his personality, that I can't change him.  I have been discovering who he is from the moment I looked into his eyes at birth, to the moment he grabs his backpack to go to school or surfing on his own.  My job was to try to provide a setting where he could open and spread his wings.  That also means providing a disciplined rhythm for doing things. 

I sacrificed having a place of our own so that I could send him to a Waldorf school (Rudolph Steiner Education).  It was like the grandmother we didn't always have around to help while I raised him all alone.  Waldorf was the support I needed for him, so we would stay in touch with who we are through the connection they teach with nature and the spiritual aspect of our experience in the physical body.  We were nurtured with songs, handcraft, natural ingredients to touch and to breath, and rhythm all around.
It helped establish the rhythm of our lives.  Getting up early, eating healthy, selected medias, going to bed early, an easy schedule that would leave time to breath, playtime with friends more than sport classes, etc.
Nechama:  Aaahh... So it is the connectedness, whether to ourselves or the universe that you have made sure to provide in abundance - that is beautiful!  As your son has gotten older, have you had the opportunity to meet most of your son's friends?

Flo:  Most of them... I try.  I ask questions about them, like are they safe to be with, you know, because we are entering that age where I don't see them in their own environments.   We grow now to trust them at 15, slowly, consciously releasing them into the world with always some guidance here and there.

Nechama:  Of course...  Are his friends coming from similar educational styles?

Flo:  No -  all types of schools and cultures.  He meets his friends through social interaction like junior guard or band or surfing on the ocean or friends of friends or winter guard, etc.

Nechama:  It sounds like he is very social.  Is dating part of his social life?

 

Flo:  Dating?  He hasn't had a formal dating thing.  He hangs out with girls,and can go to the movie with a friend. I discouraged texting in 8th grade because I could see some girls texting to boys a lot.  I told him to focus on his studies and social life before getting absorbed in the world of females.  And he remembers some experiences he had interacting with girls when he was 8 years old, acting in Shakespeare plays.

He had a great class this year in HS about all this sexuality and all.  He and I had different part of the homework to discuss together as an ice breaker for the subjects.  The name of the class is Core, and it's very good.  I hope to continue guiding him on relationships by saying, "get to know the person, ask questions about them, share a hobby or time together..."  But I am not a parent who makes a big stigma of my kid's age of hormones! I just want him to experience many social activities that includes all.

Nechama:  I understand.  It all goes back to the connectedness with who we are and where we are.  In my experience, the more tuned in to ourselves and those around us, the safer and happier we feel. 

Flo:  Yes, I'm glad you point that out.  It refers to the family of human beings and our lives here each moment... We are friends and family.

Nechama:  And aside from being a mom, what would you say defines you the most?

Flo:  I grew up in the french alps tip.  I ventured to California at age 21, to discover.  I come from a hard working family, humble and honest  and connected to nature.  They were not necessarily sensitive enough for my own taste, but that's another story I can't explain clearly.  I was a masseuse for many years, and have my own health issue and care for myself.  I believe politics divide and spirituality unites. I am now a sales associate and my dream is to have a farm to leave as a legacy.  I believe we have to always dig for information to be compassionate to ourselves and to other people, then the right vibrations build our lives with our dreams.

Nechama:  Wow - beautiful words and thoughts...  I feel the power in your intent for your life and the world.  Is there anything else you would like to add to this discussion?

Flo:  I like what you are doing, being a parent and working and living alone is hard.  I like the connection you are providing.  We need to talk about ourselves instead of the latest thing out there.  So I thank you for connecting and helping...

Nechama:  Thank you for those kind words.  It means a lot to hear them.  Thank you so much for sharing all that you did.  One of the reasons I love these interviews is that I feel so touched by the generosity of spirit in everyone who shares of themselves as you have.  Have a connected and joyful day!

 

Flo:  Thank You.  You, as well.

INTERVIEW WITH KAT, MOM OF TWO YOUNG BOYS

I am here with Kat, mom to two boys under the age of 4.  I asked Kat to elaborate on some of the logistics she manages every day...

Kat:  For now, I can thankfully still outrun them.  I will physically take a hold of both of them - no mean feat as Lukas is almost 45 pounds and Alex is about 31 pounds! If I can get both of them to stay in a shopping cart (even if it's not from the store I'm shopping in), I feel pretty good.  I also am prepared with snacks, timing errands before nap time, and also explaining to Lukas what we are planning to do, and how I expect him to act.

Nechama:  You are incredible!  That's an amazing visual I have in my head right now - no wonder you're in such good shape!  And definitely letting them know what's next is a tool I pull out many times a day! 
So in the bigger picture, what's it like being a mom of two, active, young boys?

Kat:  I don't have a lot of patience to begin with.  I am an only-child, and the youngest of the cousins so I have no experience with little kids.  It's like herding cats . . . very small beings with minds of their own.  They push buttons in me that i never knew I had.

Nechama:  What is it that helps you through that moment?  I know that it amazes me how I can feel totally conflicting feelings at the same time.  Like when my child does something that catches me off guard and sets me back, I can feel such fury at that moment while also feeling like that fury is not me.  It's like I am in a situation that is separating me from myself.  It's like the principle of divide and conquer - the feelings divide me and conquer me.  And, that has taken me time to figure out how to navigate within myself.

Kat:  I think that fury IS part of you.  However, society, our upbringing, the fact that we are women and we should act with a certain decorum, all suppress that fury within us.  When we are angry at a co-worker, a parent at the playground, the postal worker, we bite our tongue, not saying what we really want to.  When we go home, we take it out on defenseless people who love us.  Totally messed up, but often we have no other outlet. They are the only ones we can dump on because they have no power. The can't fire us, call the police on us, or yell back at us.  It saddens  me.

Nechama:  So the fury is real even though it's being misdirected?

Kat:  Yeah, I think so.  If you are well-rested and happy, something trivial is not going to ruffle your feathers.  If you're depressed about where you are in your life - dashed dreams and hopes - that trivial matter is a huge, monumental offense.  At the same time, it is important to be able to let your kids know why you are upset. 
Culturally, I grew up in a Japanese household where there was no yelling. If I did something that my parents didn't approve of, I was shunned. They acted as if I didn't exist.  So part of me feels liberated that my kids are growing up in a household where there can be yelling sometimes because at least they know what I'm mad about.

Nechama:  I so get that!  I hear a few different layers as you're talking.  There's the literal layer that's about putting things where everyone can see them.  Then there's the stress of daily life layer.  Then there's the deeper, joy of life layer.  So it complicates things because we really do want to give our kids the advantage of having things on the table; while we may also be pushing a little extra hard because of stuff that doesn't directly relate.  So how do we separate those things in ourselves to make sure that all we're putting on a child's table is really what he or she needs to see?

Kat:  I constantly struggle with that, so I'm currently taking the Positive Discipline class. We just went over something called The Three R's of Recovery from Mistakes.  This is a way we can model the courage to be imperfect.  The example in class that was given was the husband comes home from work.  Before he can even take a breath, the wife blindsides him with complaints about him and his character. She does this because she's had an awful day with the kids.  The Three R's of Recovery to reel yourself in are:  1) Recognize - "Wow!  I made a mistake." 2) Reconcile - "I apologize." 3)  Resolve, "Let's work on a solution together."  The other big element about Positive Discipline is "Be kind AND firm".  You don't need to humiliate your child in order to get the behavior you want.

Nechama:  Yes! it's so important to remember that!

Kat:  One of our assignments was to see how many times a day we flip our lid. Quite a few, I found.  It was a struggle, and I still act poorly, but at least now I have some skills on how to deal with it.

Nechama:  That makes such a difference - just paying attention is so powerful.

Kat:  Another good hint I am working on is to walk away and deal with the situation when I've collected myself.  How can you expect your child to behave properly if you can't either?

Nechama:  Absolutely - the logical mind would never argue with that.  At the same time, our emotional triggers don't always care.  How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?

Kat:  "How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?"  Practice, practice, practice.  In martial arts, you learn something called muscle memory.  You keep practicing the form and steps to the point where if a certain action is taken against you, your body deals to counteract the attack without needing to consult the brain to think about it before acting.

Nechama:  Are you trained in martial arts?

Kat:  No.  I've taken various forms of martial arts - judo, kyudo, kendo, kempo and muay thai.  However, I have ADD and haven't stuck with any one form in particular.  I see myself as a jack of all trades, master of none -type of person.

Nechama:  How does that influence your experience as a parent?

Kat:  It feels terrible!  It would be nice to feel good at something.  Really good. Something I can be proud of.  I sometimes envision the day when Lukas or Alex has a classroom assignment where one parent needs to share what they do at work, or a hobby that he/she is really into.  I'd be stressing out because I can't think of anything.

Nechama:  Are there times when your default reaction feels like a strength?

Kat:  In emergency situations, I can hyper-focus on what needs to be done without emotions clouding the situation.  

Nechama:  This interview is giving me so much food for thought.  It's highlighted for me how all the different pieces of who we are play such important roles in how we connect with our kids. Tuning in to all the cues and clues that fill our minds can be overwhelming by any standards.  And, you seem like someone who finds a way to give each piece some place to land - not everyone can do that...

Kat:  Maybe.  But sometimes I see flickers of ADD in Lukas, and I pray that it's just because he's 3-1/2 and not because he actually has it.  And instead of being patient and understanding about it, I find myself intolerant of that behavior.  The psychology behind it is weird to me.  Often, you are most judgmental of the behavior you hate most in yourself.

Nechama:  Absolutely, I think we all feel particularly bothered by others who have the traits that we don't like in ourselves.  For me, that relates to the mind-heart connection. That third layer you mentioned at the beginning about dreams and hopes in life - when we're feeling 'on' with that, our judgment of our kids goes way down (at least that's my experience).  So could it be that when we feel that we have failed ourselves in life, we desperately want to keep our kids from experiencing that painful failure.  I know that played a role in my experience growing up...  

Kat:  Absolutely.  But to shield them from failures is also a disservice to them, I think. We just have to model that, "Yes, I failed, but I'm not giving up!"

Nechama:  I completely agree!!  For me, that highlights the importance of finding our own deeper fulfillment in life, especially when we are parents.  And that is its own epic challenge...

Kat:  Yup. You got that right.  "With power, comes greater responsibility" -Spiderman.

Nechama:  Ahh, the wisdom of superheroes...
How is your relationship with your parents now?  Have you had the chance to let them know how painful their treatment of you was?

Kat:  Unfortunately, my mom passed away before I could talk to her about it.  We were reconnecting, and talking as adults, not as parent and child.  She had shielded me from what was really going on between my parents.  I wish she hadn't.  I would've been more empathetic to her plight.  I did communicate how I felt to my dad.  He apologized for his mistakes, but it was too little, too late.  I did make him pay for therapy, though. I was born a happy child, and made into a miserable one because he projected his own insecurities onto me.

Nechama:  I so appreciate all you said about your family.  And am very touched by your story about your mom because I never really had a chance to talk with my mom the way I wanted to before she passed away.  We are mothers and we are daughters, and those two are so connected.

Kat:  Yes. 

Nechama:  Thank you so much for sharing your rich perspective!  I hope we can do this again some time.  Have an empowered, connected day...

Kat:  Thank You - You too...

INTERVIEW WITH SUDHANSHU, DAD OF TEEN SON

 I am here with Sudhanshu, father of a 13yo boy.  I asked Sudhanshu how being a dad has influenced his life. 

Sudsjain: Being a parent has transformed my life. I used to be at work all the time and wondered why some of my co-workers couldn't stay later to finish a project. After becoming a parent I suddenly became more sympathetic and understanding. In fact, I stopped staying at work past 6:30. But because I worked in high tech, I would login from home after he went to bed and then I would often work till 2 am.

  Nechama:  I appreciate you sharing that because I've heard it said that as common as it is to hear a woman being asked how she juggles career and family, it is rare to hear that being asked of a man. Thank you for showing us that men prioritize that balance as well.  Sudsjain:  Then I started becoming more interested in the environment because of the polluted world we are handing our kids and grandkids.  Four years ago, I retired from high tech to work on solving the problem with Climate Change.  Now I'm a full time volunteer.   Nechama: Obviously being a parent has truly inspired you. Do you think your son sees you as similar to or different from his friends' parents? 

Sudsjain: He does see me as different than his friend's parents because I'm always at his school. In fact, I'm currently co-teaching his algebra class. 

 Nechama: Does your son communicate to you how that influences his view of himself? 

 Sudsjain: Well being retired, I get to take him to school and pick him up. So I spend a lot of time with him. I would say that he's strongly influenced by me because he wants to become a scientist. I'm very much a geek. 

 Nechama: Interesting. Do the two of you ever have the opportunity to discuss your identity as a man in the world, not necessarily professionally, but vis a vis society and global community? 

 Sudsjain: I'm now completely immersed in working on Climate Change education so I spend a lot of time writing letter to the editor and meeting with elected officials. I'm also on the board of an environmental organization so I think I'm giving him a view of the world that includes volunteering and contributing to society without monetary compensation. 

 Nechama: I can see that! Is that something that the two of you ever get a chance to discuss or work on together? 

 Sudsjain: We mostly talk about it. He would rather play video games than come to events with me. That's probably very typical for kids his age. Still I think that it has a long term influence on his world view. 

 Nechama: Absolutely! I would very much agree with that! What is the way that the two of you connect the most? Do you do something together at his school? Or, is there something at home that gives you quality time together? 

Sudsjain: We mostly connect when talking about technology news. Hackers, latest gadgets, being safe on the internet. We do talk Lego Robotics because I've coached a team for 5 years now and he's been on my team.

 

  Nechama: Nice! Just one more question... What would you say to dads looking to take a more active parenting role in their children's lives? 

Sudsjain: I guess I would say that you need to spend the time now with your children to form strong lifelong bonds. Volunteering at your child's school is critical to understanding your child's friends and learning style. It's also critical for building good schools. 

Nechama: YES! I couldn't agree more! Thank you so much for taking this time to share from your valuable experience.  Sudsjain: Thank you for the opportunity.    Nechama: Have a meaningful and connected day!

INTERVIEW WITH STEPHANIE, PRESCHOOL MOM

Stephanie, mom to an adorable, soon-to-be 4yo boy shares some of what she experienced entering parenthood, highlighting the unexpected challenges many new parents face.

Nechama:  I really appreciate you being here for this interview.  Each parent I interview has different circumstances, but we all have so much in common as well.  Is that consistent with your experience as a mom interacting with other parents?

Stephanie:  I think so. It's hard to get a real beat on everyone's challenges, though. Often times, it's hard to get a good picture of the challenges my friends face as parents, relative to mine.  I think people sometimes do not want to share those challenges because they think it may make them seem less capable, or I also get the impression that other parents may not know they can or should share the day to day challenges.

For example, it's easy to see a friend and their child and conclude 'They seem like they're doing great'... Only later, they happen to mention they're having a terrible time with their child hitting, or not going to bed or, whatever it might be.  It's hard to know if as a society we gloss over these daily challenges, and whether that's ok or not.  I mean, there's a balance...  I sometimes wonder if maybe the small things just pass in time, and it's just understood that they should not be taken so seriously...

Nechama:  Yes! I think so many of us experience that tentativeness in showing the parts of our parenting lives that could use support, especially when we get the impression other parents are glossing over similar issues.  

If you could change anything about our the social milieu our culture creates for parents, what would it be?

Stephanie:  I think our culture would be well served by showing the honesty of parenting in a more mainstream way. In the culture of families with children, there are varying degrees of openness. However, the bridge to becoming a parent is like entering a totally different world.  I expected to be tired. I expected it to be hard. But, I had never experienced anything that undermined my self confidence and it took me a while to recognize that because it was a surprise. 

Now, three and a half years into it, I realize I'm not the only one who felt uniquely unqualified to do this for a time. I'm wondering what ways we could make a better societal connection for future parents

Nechama:  So well said- thank you!  It's on that bridge to parenting that the openness would serve us all.  I wonder how that could be done...  Do you have specific recollections of moments on that bridge where the messages you got were misleading?

Stephanie:  Hmm...yes many. I think I may have blocked many of them out already though. Mostly I felt very alone. If I was frustrated that my son wasn't falling asleep at naptime, there wasn't anyone really there to confide in or help. I had a great support system, actually, between my husband and my parents. But at some point they can't do the daily job and even they sometimes ran out of ideas. It's taken me a while to be more accepting of the process of parenting (If he's not tired, he won't sleep) but things like this were challenges I didn't anticipate. 

Also, I can remember comments from other parents or feelings they gave off, that made me feel like my son wasn't interacting properly (not making eye contact or not being friendly to them)....but he was only 2 or 3 at the time. Social situations have been a huge challenge for us, since I think society, and even other parents, have extremely high expectations for other people's kids sometimes. And when your child doesn't behave in a particular way, it can make you feel terrible as a parent. Or, you can choose to have the confidence to be strong about those comments, knowing that maybe they are off base.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  Any parent I know has had the experience of feeling that they or their child was being judged somehow.  It seems so ironic that even parents who are likely feeling the downside of that judgment still perpetuate it by judging others or themselves. I think it goes back to what you said about not being offered the kinds of support that acknowledges the need for another option.  It sounds like you have begun to find your own way out of that - does it feel that way to you?

Stephanie:  Yes, definitely! It's a lot of fun to be a parent now, for the most part.  And, maybe it's made all the sweeter by the fact that it wasn't the easiest transition for me. I've learned so much about personality and temperament, and in my case the extra effort reading, getting support, and making connections has made a huge difference.

I think one part of the 'bridge support' that parents need is getting acknowledgment of the fact that parenting is so full of unknowns. It seems to me that parents who are more easygoing and comfortable encountering the unexpected, manage better.

  

Nechama:  Yes - I would definitely agree with that!  I have learned so much about flexibility from being a parent.  Is there a specific tool you use to help your practice of 'easy-going-ness'?  Also, what would you say to parents who may be feeling stuck as they cross that bridge into parenthood right now?

Stephanie:  What helped the most for me was getting eight hours of sleep a night, and having some down time to myself to read or relax. This is the single most helpful tool set for me. When I'm rested and balanced, then I have the energy to employ other tools and strategies. I may sing to my son if we're having a challenging time, make a fun suggestion, talk him through a rough patch, etc. I found that when I started sleeping normal hours (this took several years) and went back to working part time and going to an exercise class, things very much improved. I had 're-found' my old self and balanced that with being a mom.

Recently, I had the opportunity to help another mom, which was really terrific. A friend of mine has a 3-month old baby, and we went over to see her. She managed to convey a small hint about how hard it was, and I agreed right away. Luckily, she opened up to me and said sometimes she needs to put him in his crib and walk away when she gets overwhelmed, and I was able to tell her that what she is experiencing is totally normal. We talked about how everyone always says 'Oh, you must be so happy to be a parent' but doesn't acknowledge that sometimes you just need to cry because it is hard. She was SO relieved to hear that her experience wasn't because she was uniquely a 'bad mom', but she was a normal person who was sleep deprived.

Nechama:  I agree that every new parent needs to hear that!  When we find a way to take care of ourselves, it is so powerful and revitalizing.  Each parent has different circumstances.  And for some, taking care of ourselves just feels so unattainable for all kinds of practical reasons.  And in those situations, when everything just feels so limiting, that supportive connection with another parent who knows what we're going through, is huge.  I can only imagine what a difference it made to your friend that you 'got it,' and that she could believe you when you said she was not failing as a parent when she needed to take care of herself.

Stephanie:  Yes, it's what I most would have wished for - that reassurance that I was normal and could do it. So I was so, so happy to be able to give that to someone else. It made it all worthwhile.

Nechama:  Thank you so much for offering such insight and wisdom, Stephanie.  I've really enjoyed all that you shared.  Have a wonderful day!

  

Stephanie:  Thanks, I enjoyed it too, and would love to continue this and talk more about other aspects of parenting.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  I look forward to talking again soon.  Have a wonderful, connected day! 

INTERVIEW WITH KATHRYN, MOM OF 3

I am here talking with Kathryn, a mom who has been in the trenches of parenthood for almost a decade.  I asked Kathryn to say a bit about herself, and to share some of her wisdom on the demands and joys of it all...

Kathryn: I am a 38 year old white middle class mother of 3 young children, Brooke age 4, Brodie age 6, and Oscar age 9. I have been an at-home mother with them, and am currently looking for part-time work and to start my own pottery business. My husband has worked full time on developing our online business which allowed me to stay home until now. 

Nechama: Wow! You have your hands full for sure! What are the most rewarding and most challenging aspects of being a full-time mom to 3 young children?

 Kathryn: The warm cozy snuggles any time of day and being there for those gems of moments that make your heart sing. The hardest part has been feeling isolated and desperate for help and relief when you kids are driving you crazy! 

Nechama: So how do you manage those tough spots?

Kathryn: My family support system is all out of town, so I had to reach out to other mothers. I had to be honest with my trials and tribulations at home. My first son was colicky, had 5 ear infections by age 2, nursed until 2.5 and was very attached to me, and we know now has sensory processing disorder, ADD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  I was a new mom, living away from my family, husband at work all day, and home alone with a non-stop crying baby and screaming toddler. I would crave for bonding with other adults during the day so I wouldn't just count down the minutes until my husband came home. But you get out in the world and it is so easy to assume that everyone has this amazing life at home. Even when you would open up about day to day troubles, very few would really open up like I wanted to.  After a few years, I began to get a sense of which mothers actually knew and experienced what I was going through with having a high need child. Once I found those other mothers, I began to realize and understand my unique situation. We started seeking family therapy to support our parenting, therapy for our son's sensory issues, and just started learning more about our sons special needs in order to go to bed at night without feeling like a failure of a mother.  After 9 years and new challenges and frustrations that arise daily, I realize how much I still need to connect on a regular basis with other mothers who are willing to be open and honest about how hard it is to raise a child with high needs. And this is not to say that if your kid's challenges are in the "normal" range you don't need the same support. We all need support, because everyone's situation is relative. I often will be hard on myself for feeling so downtrodden about my situation when I think about other mothers living through war and violence. But I have to ground myself in my own reality and honor that it is hard. And we all need support even more than ever because families are more and more isolated from one another. Our mobile society has split up extended families, leaving each nuclear family doing all the work, cleaning, child rearing, etc. alone. We have lost our "village." So then we feel isolated and go to social media like Facebook and feel even more isolated because so much of the truth is being left out behind all those glowing pictures of everyone's kids.

Nechama: Thank you so much for that powerfully candid perspective! I particularly appreciate it because my purpose here is to offer the kind of community that, although is 'virtual' in some ways, is actually very real in its support. What you just shared will, no doubt, help most anyone reading this blog.  Would you like to share any of the magical moments you've had with your kids?  Kathryn:  My first son who is now 9 who has the high needs is always yelling at me, saying that I am the worst mother in the world and how he hates me. I don't believe him, even though it does wear me down... But there are moments when his love comes pouring out, and they often catch me by surprise... a sweet unexpected hug while I am busying about the house... a sweet snuggle on the couch when I finally allow myself to relax... and when he is sick still wanting and desperately needing his mommy.  Last night I was away from home and he was sick, and when I talked to him on the phone my heart swelled as he said how much he wanted me. Just a few... but I cherish them.  As even though I don't believe all the hating, angry words, I still need to have signs of his love and affection. Nechama: Yes!  Many of us would agree that it's those moments when defenses are down and the truth of the family love can come out that make all the difference...   Is there a particular topic that you have more thoughts on for another interview?  Maybe we can open up the discussion here and then go into more detail next time? Kathryn: Absolutely, the best is if my discussion today opens up others to share or seek advice and connection... What it takes to keep a marriage together during the hard child raising years, and often family-building-while-career-building years. Nechama: YES! That is such an important topic that doesn't typically make it to the neighborhood picnic.  I look forward to picking that up with you soon... 

 Kathryn:  I look forward to sharing more with you and everyone who reads! As I said, it is how I survive, by sharing and connecting. So thank you Nechama for sharing this forum with me!  

Nechama:  I so appreciate that you took the time to join me today!

 Thank you all for joining our community!   Have a joyful and connected day...

Welcome to PARENT STORIES!

Every parent I know could use inspiration and support. That’s what this blog is about. My two are 23 years old and 3 years old. “So you really are starting all over” is the comment I hear a lot.  Are they referring to the diapers or the sleep deprivation or the feeling of being indispensable or the learning curve (which gets unexpectedly steeper the second time around), or is it something I haven’t even figured out yet?

So many things have changed from my first to my second. Some by choice and others by circumstance.  I keep learning every day.  The best resource around is the group of other parents that I connect with day to day.  With this blog, I hope to expand that group to include you...  Thank you!