INTERVIEW WITH FLO, SINGLE MOM OF 15yo SON

I started my interview with Flo by asking her to share a bit about her experience as a single mom. 

Flo:  My son's father and I have been separated since my son was 2 years old, now 15.  In my son I see a growing child, and am grateful for the way he is

Nechama:  What do you most appreciate about who your son is?

Flo:  I appreciate the good of course, and also what doesn't feel good because we all have it.  What I find easy about my son is that he is responsible for a lot and does it without much supervision.  He is self directed for homework, fun time, schedule of fun down the line, finding solutions to problems, communicating where he is and what he does.  He can take care of his own meals, wash, go to bed on time get up and get ready on time.... the other side of it all is that he can be pushy and forget how other people feel, even though he is loving and caring.

Nechama:  Yes.  it sounds like you've had the opportunity to have a very real, open relationship with your son.  That is so valuable for both!  How do you respond when you see your son acting a bit insensitive?

Flo:  I straight tell him how it feels, just the way i feel it.

Nechama:  And how does he react to that?

Flo:  He tries to argue and argue and argue, which is really hard for me.  And later, in his own awakening he will apologize and life goes to the next moment.

Nechama:  Is there an example you would like to share?

Flo:  For example, I am quietly resting on my bed, eyes closed, and he wants to talk to me.   So he just goes about waking me up.  It feels forceful and inconsiderate.   So i tell him, "when you see me with eyes closed, be patient. It doesn't last long.  Just let me wake up slowly and I will be available to you."  Knowing we didn't have an appointment, that this was my free time, I tell him that even mothers have to be respected and cared for, because we work so hard.

Nechama:  I can really relate to that!  Every child I know has a difficult time understanding that mom is human with human feelings, needs, etc.  Are there times when he does relate to you as another feeling person?

Flo:  Certainly -  Like i said, his enthusiasm is coming from a well-meaning place.  It just needs to be tuned up a bit.  It's my job to make him aware of my feelings. Also, when I share my hurts, he will be so compassionate.

Nechama:  What are the elements that you feel have had the most influence on your son's personality?

Flo:  I believe he is born with his personality, that I can't change him.  I have been discovering who he is from the moment I looked into his eyes at birth, to the moment he grabs his backpack to go to school or surfing on his own.  My job was to try to provide a setting where he could open and spread his wings.  That also means providing a disciplined rhythm for doing things. 

I sacrificed having a place of our own so that I could send him to a Waldorf school (Rudolph Steiner Education).  It was like the grandmother we didn't always have around to help while I raised him all alone.  Waldorf was the support I needed for him, so we would stay in touch with who we are through the connection they teach with nature and the spiritual aspect of our experience in the physical body.  We were nurtured with songs, handcraft, natural ingredients to touch and to breath, and rhythm all around.
It helped establish the rhythm of our lives.  Getting up early, eating healthy, selected medias, going to bed early, an easy schedule that would leave time to breath, playtime with friends more than sport classes, etc.
Nechama:  Aaahh... So it is the connectedness, whether to ourselves or the universe that you have made sure to provide in abundance - that is beautiful!  As your son has gotten older, have you had the opportunity to meet most of your son's friends?

Flo:  Most of them... I try.  I ask questions about them, like are they safe to be with, you know, because we are entering that age where I don't see them in their own environments.   We grow now to trust them at 15, slowly, consciously releasing them into the world with always some guidance here and there.

Nechama:  Of course...  Are his friends coming from similar educational styles?

Flo:  No -  all types of schools and cultures.  He meets his friends through social interaction like junior guard or band or surfing on the ocean or friends of friends or winter guard, etc.

Nechama:  It sounds like he is very social.  Is dating part of his social life?

 

Flo:  Dating?  He hasn't had a formal dating thing.  He hangs out with girls,and can go to the movie with a friend. I discouraged texting in 8th grade because I could see some girls texting to boys a lot.  I told him to focus on his studies and social life before getting absorbed in the world of females.  And he remembers some experiences he had interacting with girls when he was 8 years old, acting in Shakespeare plays.

He had a great class this year in HS about all this sexuality and all.  He and I had different part of the homework to discuss together as an ice breaker for the subjects.  The name of the class is Core, and it's very good.  I hope to continue guiding him on relationships by saying, "get to know the person, ask questions about them, share a hobby or time together..."  But I am not a parent who makes a big stigma of my kid's age of hormones! I just want him to experience many social activities that includes all.

Nechama:  I understand.  It all goes back to the connectedness with who we are and where we are.  In my experience, the more tuned in to ourselves and those around us, the safer and happier we feel. 

Flo:  Yes, I'm glad you point that out.  It refers to the family of human beings and our lives here each moment... We are friends and family.

Nechama:  And aside from being a mom, what would you say defines you the most?

Flo:  I grew up in the french alps tip.  I ventured to California at age 21, to discover.  I come from a hard working family, humble and honest  and connected to nature.  They were not necessarily sensitive enough for my own taste, but that's another story I can't explain clearly.  I was a masseuse for many years, and have my own health issue and care for myself.  I believe politics divide and spirituality unites. I am now a sales associate and my dream is to have a farm to leave as a legacy.  I believe we have to always dig for information to be compassionate to ourselves and to other people, then the right vibrations build our lives with our dreams.

Nechama:  Wow - beautiful words and thoughts...  I feel the power in your intent for your life and the world.  Is there anything else you would like to add to this discussion?

Flo:  I like what you are doing, being a parent and working and living alone is hard.  I like the connection you are providing.  We need to talk about ourselves instead of the latest thing out there.  So I thank you for connecting and helping...

Nechama:  Thank you for those kind words.  It means a lot to hear them.  Thank you so much for sharing all that you did.  One of the reasons I love these interviews is that I feel so touched by the generosity of spirit in everyone who shares of themselves as you have.  Have a connected and joyful day!

 

Flo:  Thank You.  You, as well.

INTERVIEW WITH KAT, MOM OF TWO YOUNG BOYS

I am here with Kat, mom to two boys under the age of 4.  I asked Kat to elaborate on some of the logistics she manages every day...

Kat:  For now, I can thankfully still outrun them.  I will physically take a hold of both of them - no mean feat as Lukas is almost 45 pounds and Alex is about 31 pounds! If I can get both of them to stay in a shopping cart (even if it's not from the store I'm shopping in), I feel pretty good.  I also am prepared with snacks, timing errands before nap time, and also explaining to Lukas what we are planning to do, and how I expect him to act.

Nechama:  You are incredible!  That's an amazing visual I have in my head right now - no wonder you're in such good shape!  And definitely letting them know what's next is a tool I pull out many times a day! 
So in the bigger picture, what's it like being a mom of two, active, young boys?

Kat:  I don't have a lot of patience to begin with.  I am an only-child, and the youngest of the cousins so I have no experience with little kids.  It's like herding cats . . . very small beings with minds of their own.  They push buttons in me that i never knew I had.

Nechama:  What is it that helps you through that moment?  I know that it amazes me how I can feel totally conflicting feelings at the same time.  Like when my child does something that catches me off guard and sets me back, I can feel such fury at that moment while also feeling like that fury is not me.  It's like I am in a situation that is separating me from myself.  It's like the principle of divide and conquer - the feelings divide me and conquer me.  And, that has taken me time to figure out how to navigate within myself.

Kat:  I think that fury IS part of you.  However, society, our upbringing, the fact that we are women and we should act with a certain decorum, all suppress that fury within us.  When we are angry at a co-worker, a parent at the playground, the postal worker, we bite our tongue, not saying what we really want to.  When we go home, we take it out on defenseless people who love us.  Totally messed up, but often we have no other outlet. They are the only ones we can dump on because they have no power. The can't fire us, call the police on us, or yell back at us.  It saddens  me.

Nechama:  So the fury is real even though it's being misdirected?

Kat:  Yeah, I think so.  If you are well-rested and happy, something trivial is not going to ruffle your feathers.  If you're depressed about where you are in your life - dashed dreams and hopes - that trivial matter is a huge, monumental offense.  At the same time, it is important to be able to let your kids know why you are upset. 
Culturally, I grew up in a Japanese household where there was no yelling. If I did something that my parents didn't approve of, I was shunned. They acted as if I didn't exist.  So part of me feels liberated that my kids are growing up in a household where there can be yelling sometimes because at least they know what I'm mad about.

Nechama:  I so get that!  I hear a few different layers as you're talking.  There's the literal layer that's about putting things where everyone can see them.  Then there's the stress of daily life layer.  Then there's the deeper, joy of life layer.  So it complicates things because we really do want to give our kids the advantage of having things on the table; while we may also be pushing a little extra hard because of stuff that doesn't directly relate.  So how do we separate those things in ourselves to make sure that all we're putting on a child's table is really what he or she needs to see?

Kat:  I constantly struggle with that, so I'm currently taking the Positive Discipline class. We just went over something called The Three R's of Recovery from Mistakes.  This is a way we can model the courage to be imperfect.  The example in class that was given was the husband comes home from work.  Before he can even take a breath, the wife blindsides him with complaints about him and his character. She does this because she's had an awful day with the kids.  The Three R's of Recovery to reel yourself in are:  1) Recognize - "Wow!  I made a mistake." 2) Reconcile - "I apologize." 3)  Resolve, "Let's work on a solution together."  The other big element about Positive Discipline is "Be kind AND firm".  You don't need to humiliate your child in order to get the behavior you want.

Nechama:  Yes! it's so important to remember that!

Kat:  One of our assignments was to see how many times a day we flip our lid. Quite a few, I found.  It was a struggle, and I still act poorly, but at least now I have some skills on how to deal with it.

Nechama:  That makes such a difference - just paying attention is so powerful.

Kat:  Another good hint I am working on is to walk away and deal with the situation when I've collected myself.  How can you expect your child to behave properly if you can't either?

Nechama:  Absolutely - the logical mind would never argue with that.  At the same time, our emotional triggers don't always care.  How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?

Kat:  "How do we get the message into our heart center, not just our mind?"  Practice, practice, practice.  In martial arts, you learn something called muscle memory.  You keep practicing the form and steps to the point where if a certain action is taken against you, your body deals to counteract the attack without needing to consult the brain to think about it before acting.

Nechama:  Are you trained in martial arts?

Kat:  No.  I've taken various forms of martial arts - judo, kyudo, kendo, kempo and muay thai.  However, I have ADD and haven't stuck with any one form in particular.  I see myself as a jack of all trades, master of none -type of person.

Nechama:  How does that influence your experience as a parent?

Kat:  It feels terrible!  It would be nice to feel good at something.  Really good. Something I can be proud of.  I sometimes envision the day when Lukas or Alex has a classroom assignment where one parent needs to share what they do at work, or a hobby that he/she is really into.  I'd be stressing out because I can't think of anything.

Nechama:  Are there times when your default reaction feels like a strength?

Kat:  In emergency situations, I can hyper-focus on what needs to be done without emotions clouding the situation.  

Nechama:  This interview is giving me so much food for thought.  It's highlighted for me how all the different pieces of who we are play such important roles in how we connect with our kids. Tuning in to all the cues and clues that fill our minds can be overwhelming by any standards.  And, you seem like someone who finds a way to give each piece some place to land - not everyone can do that...

Kat:  Maybe.  But sometimes I see flickers of ADD in Lukas, and I pray that it's just because he's 3-1/2 and not because he actually has it.  And instead of being patient and understanding about it, I find myself intolerant of that behavior.  The psychology behind it is weird to me.  Often, you are most judgmental of the behavior you hate most in yourself.

Nechama:  Absolutely, I think we all feel particularly bothered by others who have the traits that we don't like in ourselves.  For me, that relates to the mind-heart connection. That third layer you mentioned at the beginning about dreams and hopes in life - when we're feeling 'on' with that, our judgment of our kids goes way down (at least that's my experience).  So could it be that when we feel that we have failed ourselves in life, we desperately want to keep our kids from experiencing that painful failure.  I know that played a role in my experience growing up...  

Kat:  Absolutely.  But to shield them from failures is also a disservice to them, I think. We just have to model that, "Yes, I failed, but I'm not giving up!"

Nechama:  I completely agree!!  For me, that highlights the importance of finding our own deeper fulfillment in life, especially when we are parents.  And that is its own epic challenge...

Kat:  Yup. You got that right.  "With power, comes greater responsibility" -Spiderman.

Nechama:  Ahh, the wisdom of superheroes...
How is your relationship with your parents now?  Have you had the chance to let them know how painful their treatment of you was?

Kat:  Unfortunately, my mom passed away before I could talk to her about it.  We were reconnecting, and talking as adults, not as parent and child.  She had shielded me from what was really going on between my parents.  I wish she hadn't.  I would've been more empathetic to her plight.  I did communicate how I felt to my dad.  He apologized for his mistakes, but it was too little, too late.  I did make him pay for therapy, though. I was born a happy child, and made into a miserable one because he projected his own insecurities onto me.

Nechama:  I so appreciate all you said about your family.  And am very touched by your story about your mom because I never really had a chance to talk with my mom the way I wanted to before she passed away.  We are mothers and we are daughters, and those two are so connected.

Kat:  Yes. 

Nechama:  Thank you so much for sharing your rich perspective!  I hope we can do this again some time.  Have an empowered, connected day...

Kat:  Thank You - You too...

INTERVIEW WITH SUDHANSHU, DAD OF TEEN SON

 I am here with Sudhanshu, father of a 13yo boy.  I asked Sudhanshu how being a dad has influenced his life. 

Sudsjain: Being a parent has transformed my life. I used to be at work all the time and wondered why some of my co-workers couldn't stay later to finish a project. After becoming a parent I suddenly became more sympathetic and understanding. In fact, I stopped staying at work past 6:30. But because I worked in high tech, I would login from home after he went to bed and then I would often work till 2 am.

  Nechama:  I appreciate you sharing that because I've heard it said that as common as it is to hear a woman being asked how she juggles career and family, it is rare to hear that being asked of a man. Thank you for showing us that men prioritize that balance as well.  Sudsjain:  Then I started becoming more interested in the environment because of the polluted world we are handing our kids and grandkids.  Four years ago, I retired from high tech to work on solving the problem with Climate Change.  Now I'm a full time volunteer.   Nechama: Obviously being a parent has truly inspired you. Do you think your son sees you as similar to or different from his friends' parents? 

Sudsjain: He does see me as different than his friend's parents because I'm always at his school. In fact, I'm currently co-teaching his algebra class. 

 Nechama: Does your son communicate to you how that influences his view of himself? 

 Sudsjain: Well being retired, I get to take him to school and pick him up. So I spend a lot of time with him. I would say that he's strongly influenced by me because he wants to become a scientist. I'm very much a geek. 

 Nechama: Interesting. Do the two of you ever have the opportunity to discuss your identity as a man in the world, not necessarily professionally, but vis a vis society and global community? 

 Sudsjain: I'm now completely immersed in working on Climate Change education so I spend a lot of time writing letter to the editor and meeting with elected officials. I'm also on the board of an environmental organization so I think I'm giving him a view of the world that includes volunteering and contributing to society without monetary compensation. 

 Nechama: I can see that! Is that something that the two of you ever get a chance to discuss or work on together? 

 Sudsjain: We mostly talk about it. He would rather play video games than come to events with me. That's probably very typical for kids his age. Still I think that it has a long term influence on his world view. 

 Nechama: Absolutely! I would very much agree with that! What is the way that the two of you connect the most? Do you do something together at his school? Or, is there something at home that gives you quality time together? 

Sudsjain: We mostly connect when talking about technology news. Hackers, latest gadgets, being safe on the internet. We do talk Lego Robotics because I've coached a team for 5 years now and he's been on my team.

 

  Nechama: Nice! Just one more question... What would you say to dads looking to take a more active parenting role in their children's lives? 

Sudsjain: I guess I would say that you need to spend the time now with your children to form strong lifelong bonds. Volunteering at your child's school is critical to understanding your child's friends and learning style. It's also critical for building good schools. 

Nechama: YES! I couldn't agree more! Thank you so much for taking this time to share from your valuable experience.  Sudsjain: Thank you for the opportunity.    Nechama: Have a meaningful and connected day!

INTERVIEW WITH STEPHANIE, PRESCHOOL MOM

Stephanie, mom to an adorable, soon-to-be 4yo boy shares some of what she experienced entering parenthood, highlighting the unexpected challenges many new parents face.

Nechama:  I really appreciate you being here for this interview.  Each parent I interview has different circumstances, but we all have so much in common as well.  Is that consistent with your experience as a mom interacting with other parents?

Stephanie:  I think so. It's hard to get a real beat on everyone's challenges, though. Often times, it's hard to get a good picture of the challenges my friends face as parents, relative to mine.  I think people sometimes do not want to share those challenges because they think it may make them seem less capable, or I also get the impression that other parents may not know they can or should share the day to day challenges.

For example, it's easy to see a friend and their child and conclude 'They seem like they're doing great'... Only later, they happen to mention they're having a terrible time with their child hitting, or not going to bed or, whatever it might be.  It's hard to know if as a society we gloss over these daily challenges, and whether that's ok or not.  I mean, there's a balance...  I sometimes wonder if maybe the small things just pass in time, and it's just understood that they should not be taken so seriously...

Nechama:  Yes! I think so many of us experience that tentativeness in showing the parts of our parenting lives that could use support, especially when we get the impression other parents are glossing over similar issues.  

If you could change anything about our the social milieu our culture creates for parents, what would it be?

Stephanie:  I think our culture would be well served by showing the honesty of parenting in a more mainstream way. In the culture of families with children, there are varying degrees of openness. However, the bridge to becoming a parent is like entering a totally different world.  I expected to be tired. I expected it to be hard. But, I had never experienced anything that undermined my self confidence and it took me a while to recognize that because it was a surprise. 

Now, three and a half years into it, I realize I'm not the only one who felt uniquely unqualified to do this for a time. I'm wondering what ways we could make a better societal connection for future parents

Nechama:  So well said- thank you!  It's on that bridge to parenting that the openness would serve us all.  I wonder how that could be done...  Do you have specific recollections of moments on that bridge where the messages you got were misleading?

Stephanie:  Hmm...yes many. I think I may have blocked many of them out already though. Mostly I felt very alone. If I was frustrated that my son wasn't falling asleep at naptime, there wasn't anyone really there to confide in or help. I had a great support system, actually, between my husband and my parents. But at some point they can't do the daily job and even they sometimes ran out of ideas. It's taken me a while to be more accepting of the process of parenting (If he's not tired, he won't sleep) but things like this were challenges I didn't anticipate. 

Also, I can remember comments from other parents or feelings they gave off, that made me feel like my son wasn't interacting properly (not making eye contact or not being friendly to them)....but he was only 2 or 3 at the time. Social situations have been a huge challenge for us, since I think society, and even other parents, have extremely high expectations for other people's kids sometimes. And when your child doesn't behave in a particular way, it can make you feel terrible as a parent. Or, you can choose to have the confidence to be strong about those comments, knowing that maybe they are off base.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  Any parent I know has had the experience of feeling that they or their child was being judged somehow.  It seems so ironic that even parents who are likely feeling the downside of that judgment still perpetuate it by judging others or themselves. I think it goes back to what you said about not being offered the kinds of support that acknowledges the need for another option.  It sounds like you have begun to find your own way out of that - does it feel that way to you?

Stephanie:  Yes, definitely! It's a lot of fun to be a parent now, for the most part.  And, maybe it's made all the sweeter by the fact that it wasn't the easiest transition for me. I've learned so much about personality and temperament, and in my case the extra effort reading, getting support, and making connections has made a huge difference.

I think one part of the 'bridge support' that parents need is getting acknowledgment of the fact that parenting is so full of unknowns. It seems to me that parents who are more easygoing and comfortable encountering the unexpected, manage better.

  

Nechama:  Yes - I would definitely agree with that!  I have learned so much about flexibility from being a parent.  Is there a specific tool you use to help your practice of 'easy-going-ness'?  Also, what would you say to parents who may be feeling stuck as they cross that bridge into parenthood right now?

Stephanie:  What helped the most for me was getting eight hours of sleep a night, and having some down time to myself to read or relax. This is the single most helpful tool set for me. When I'm rested and balanced, then I have the energy to employ other tools and strategies. I may sing to my son if we're having a challenging time, make a fun suggestion, talk him through a rough patch, etc. I found that when I started sleeping normal hours (this took several years) and went back to working part time and going to an exercise class, things very much improved. I had 're-found' my old self and balanced that with being a mom.

Recently, I had the opportunity to help another mom, which was really terrific. A friend of mine has a 3-month old baby, and we went over to see her. She managed to convey a small hint about how hard it was, and I agreed right away. Luckily, she opened up to me and said sometimes she needs to put him in his crib and walk away when she gets overwhelmed, and I was able to tell her that what she is experiencing is totally normal. We talked about how everyone always says 'Oh, you must be so happy to be a parent' but doesn't acknowledge that sometimes you just need to cry because it is hard. She was SO relieved to hear that her experience wasn't because she was uniquely a 'bad mom', but she was a normal person who was sleep deprived.

Nechama:  I agree that every new parent needs to hear that!  When we find a way to take care of ourselves, it is so powerful and revitalizing.  Each parent has different circumstances.  And for some, taking care of ourselves just feels so unattainable for all kinds of practical reasons.  And in those situations, when everything just feels so limiting, that supportive connection with another parent who knows what we're going through, is huge.  I can only imagine what a difference it made to your friend that you 'got it,' and that she could believe you when you said she was not failing as a parent when she needed to take care of herself.

Stephanie:  Yes, it's what I most would have wished for - that reassurance that I was normal and could do it. So I was so, so happy to be able to give that to someone else. It made it all worthwhile.

Nechama:  Thank you so much for offering such insight and wisdom, Stephanie.  I've really enjoyed all that you shared.  Have a wonderful day!

  

Stephanie:  Thanks, I enjoyed it too, and would love to continue this and talk more about other aspects of parenting.

Nechama:  Absolutely!  I look forward to talking again soon.  Have a wonderful, connected day!